Reverb (13 and 14)

Reverb10

December 13 – Action When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)
Actually, I'm not sure where I want to go in life. I know the next step no matter what I want to do is to get a PhD. That means finishing graduate school, which I am doing. It also means I need to read the stuff this weekend for TAing my PI's class next semester. I have the files on my computer, so at least I've done that.

As for my aspirations... I don't know for sure. I'd like to do research. I want to know enough to have my own lab and lead my own projects. I don't have the confidence for that, so maybe the really abstract and difficult "next step" is to learn enough to have confidence in what I have to say.

Sometimes I wonder if what I say hold any weight. For example, I piped up in lab meeting today and made a comment about some stuff I worked on last semester. I felt like I should be the one talking about it because I knew it so well. Then again, when my PI turned to look at me (I think she was surprised I decided to start talking), I felt myself flush. I don't know if anyone else noticed, but my ears got all tingly and my heart beat faster. I didn't know if I was supposed to say something and ended up justifying why I was talking by explaining how I had worked on the issue.

So maybe my next step is confidence. I want to gain more confidence in what I do. I want to at least be able to PRETEND to have an ego. I used to have an ego, back in high school. Looking back, I'm not sure if I like that me: the obnoxious one who looks down at people when they don't understand me. I still judge people, but differently now, and I hope that me will stay around.


December 14 – Appreciate What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)

I don't know what I've come to appreciate in the past year. I know I appreciate a lot of things: the internet (which my roomie talked about well enough that I shouldn't bother venturing there), board games, technology of all sorts, the weather (especially rainy days), good tea, earthworms (even if I don't like the way they move), fire, electricity, home made food, cooking my own food my way, alcohol, etc.

I don't really know what I've come to appreciate this year... well, maybe standing fans. Yes. Fans. Those things that blow air at you when you feed it electricity. I appreciate those because my roommate and I decided we wouldn't turn the temperature of our apt lower than 80 in the summer (it sucked for me, let me tell you, but our electricity bill was RIDICULOUS, so it was wise). I couldn't sleep sometimes. Now I really appreciate standing fans.Did I learn to appreciate this the most? I don't know what that means, but I'll say no.

What do I most appreciate? Being alive. I don't think anything else would matter if I'm not. It's something I'm hyper aware of when I think about it. It's logical and one of those strange things that constant cross my mind.

Maybe if we put my two answers together we can pretend it's "What I have come to appreciate most:" standing fans keeping me alive. I think that's reasonable. Don't you?

<3
Hao